"Ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges!"

"Time may change me but I can't trace time." ~ David Bowie, Changes


It's been forever, I know. Please forgive me for I have committed a blogger sin.

It's not that there isn't plenty to write about. And no, Limey hasn't taken ALL of my time, though, he continues to earn more of it...it's really that work has taken over my body. It's all that has been on my mind lately.

"You're such a good employee..." Limey's sentence trails off as he sits on the edge of my bed watching me finish up something-or-other on the VPN. The computer at work has also taken over my home computer.

"No," I sigh, "I just have a desire to move up and this is my first, and best chance. This is my job."

But is it? Doubt sets in when the thoughts begin to wander.

This job means more responsibility; More challenge; More technical skills; More financial stability; All of which there is a great hunger for. It's almost second nature how long this growl has been muffled and hushed by my much more patient arms.

Two years in the current position, which I love, don't get me wrong... but have outgrown. The half-ass challenges set up by myself are proof enough that I need more. Procrastination- my little Imp of the Perverse rears his ugly little head again. And the work gets done.

A year in the position that did so much for others but depressed me so.

4 years at the position that helped me earn the graduate degree and taught me that math was not my nemesis.

They've all been good to me. I've never felt completely comfortable in leaving, of change, but that's normal. This time, there is a comfort in the change. There's no parting with the entity and the raise alone would enable me to clear my debt and pursue other avenues that are until then- out of reach.

Still I'm terrified. What if this is my job but it goes to someone else? If I don't get it, the search continues, it goes beyond my current borders and into another department or even another entity entirely.

And so I've been throwing myself into my work. I work all day and then at least a few hours in the evening. Sometimes there's working through lunch, eating at my desk, crunching numbers, improving the integrity of my spreadsheet or database when I'm not entire sure this is worth it.

This is my life. Is this my life? Is this what I want?

I think so. I mean, no one is completely sure, but this would get me that much closer to figuring it out by freeing up a lot of the stress that just eats me up. For one, the tears over my debt would cease as the speed in which it is paid off would double. And I wouldn't feel as if potential is meandering about instead of walking within full sight.

I might even have more time to write.

I'd hardly recognize my life if this change were to take place, but at this point, questioning, "Is this my life?" seems more comforting than the status quo.

So please forgive me and keep reading (if there even is an audience anymore) hopefully there will be better things to write about in the near future.

This IS my job.