"This song is sung for anyone that's listening...

This song is for the broken-spirited man
This song is for anyone left standing
After the strain of a slow sad end." Uncle Tupelo.


I realized something yesterday morning laying in bed as I was bemoaning yet another migraine brought on by the rain:

I’m upset that he could just dismiss me only knowing a portion of who I am. And I’m just as guilty of the same, only not with him.

How can someone find out if they are able to love again if they don’t even allow time to get to know someone?

The funny thing is, I can’t even answer it. And yet, I can: fear.

The second I realized I like Ph.D. Boy (the one before) and Spoonman, I froze. The possibility of moving on was something greater than what I was capable of handling. It’s almost like a switch was flipped and I was turned off. I lose myself in my worry.

What if he doesn’t feel the same and I get my heart broken?
What if he likes me more and I have to break his heart?
What if he does feel the same?
How am I going to handle this?
Am I able to handle a relationship?

I really could not answer any of these questions flying and buzzing through my head. I’m pretty sure most of us go through something similar when we reach this point or at least those of us that have been through an ugly breakup after our first love.

I find myself following two fundamental commitment-phobe rules:

1. Avoiding starting things with those we would most certainly hurt/would feel bad about hurting/are way too clingy.

2. Don’t give up much of your free time, especially not your weekends.

3. Don’t get too close. Just don’t.

And so the cycle continues. And I have just as much responsibility in this as he did. We both played those rules against each other until I started to break down concerning #3.

So, it goes to show that we’re all probably capable of falling in love again if we let it happen. The problem is realizing potential and not running away.

I don’t know if I won’t run away because I’ve not been that far yet when I’ve realized there may be potential. Both Ph.D. Boy and Spoonman ran away before I could.

Don’t I know how to pick ‘em? I guess it really does take one to know one.