"The delicate place... the questions it raise...."

"Is this just your way of breaking my heart?? Everyone denies it but they just want to be told..." Spoon, The Delicate Place

Now that I am over the initial sting and pain... I'm fucking pissed off. [Excuse my language, but it fit!]

I got the most cop-out excuse ever. Sort of a twist on the "it's not you, it's me bit."

"I am dumb.... I feel SO, so DUMB," Spoonman repeats a few times interspersed. "Yeah," I think, "Wrong answer. You're supposed to say, 'I'm scared but so are you and it's worth it!" But somehow, those words never were mouthed.

So, you know how it's harder for us to fall for someone.... to really feel that excitement, the butterflies, and trust another with your heart after the first love goes awry? Yeah. He's still dealing with that and even he admitted that he's too old to be stuck on that.

Um.... you know what? Yeah. That makes him a bonafide wuss. I've had my heart ripped out of my chest cavity, squeezed, chewed on and spit out.... and I lived to tell. I'm more cautious, of course, but even with my first love, it took me YEARS to realize that I loved him. What can I say? I feel responsible for my own emotional actions.

I got over it, right? Like everyone else. I didn't jump right into another relationship... oh wait, yes I did. Big mistake. But then, I took a break and took care of me. It seems that Spoonman has had plenty of "him time" already and got really used to being selfish with his time. Because, yeah.... I like my free time too and I like to do with it what I want, without having to consult anyone else. So I can understand that much.

I wasn't asking for a relationship. You see, we don't know each other that well, even after nearly 3 months because we see each other an average of once a week for a few hours. And of those few hours, a good portion is spent, well, there's not exactly a lot of 'getting to know you' conversation going on in that time. But what I was asking for is for more time and effort to be put into it. And honestly, that goes for me too because I haven't exactly been Miss Open-Schedule-U.S.A.

Spoonman says, "I don't like giving up my free time and I don't want to be the jerk that doesn't call you on the weekends." I responded that I never asked him to choose between his friends and I, in fact, I actually really like his friends and wouldn't mind, you know, being invited to hang with the group every now and again. That is potential "get-to-know-you-time" and it's fun for all, right? So I ask if he is embarrassed of me. Emphatic no. Good answer, Spoonie. Even better, "My friends really like you."

Well now, what is the problem?

Why is it that guys assume that all girls (because I will admit there are some females that are downright evil) are conspiring to ensnare them in this sinewy web of relationship and/or marriage. They might as well run away screaming, "It's a trap, it's a trap!" Really, now.... it's not like that. At least not for me. I'm every bit as scared of commitment, but I also know that I have to be mature and deal with my issues accordingly. When the prospect of marriage came up with my ex, I think my heart skipped a couple of beats. No, not in the good way.

"Am I really OLD enough to get married?"
"Holy crap, I am 24... I guess so."
"Do I really want this?"
"I don't know... and that scares me."

So, yeah.... not all girls are revving up our engines to hop into the matrimony race. But eventually, should we (future significant male and I) decide to have children, then yes, that would be necessary. I am in no rush for either, despite sliding closer and closer to 30. 30 is the new 20, after all.

I'm also not one to put aside my busy schedule for someone, but I surprisingly found myself doing a little bit of that with Spoonman before I even realized that, yeah, I could like this guy. But still, family and friends came first for both he and I, no qualms.

A few weeks ago, I realized that I was going to have to mix him into some of my free time activities. The prospect scared me. My siblings and I are pretty much on the same level, humor wise, occasionally getting a bit punchy, silly, irritable, etc. But it's all in good fun. "Would he get that?" I wondered. "Sure, he has siblings as well." And I clenched a fist and asked him to join us for a couple of future outings.

He didn't flinch, but he also didn't go to one, opting instead to go to a friend's birthday celebration (how could I get upset with that?) and now, well, I'm not sure where we stand, exactly. But it's not where it was before. It's safe to say, he won't be accepting the other invitation.

"You'll be hearing from me," is all he said and laughed at the face I pulled. Damn animated face... damn you. "Oh, the face, " he coos, "Why do you have to be so cute?" [Maybe because I AM cute and you should hold onto this catch?!?! Just MAYBE?]

"That face, it was my 'yeah right face' and it was well deserved. I will believe it when it happens, Spoonie."

And with that, he kissed me twice, maybe thrice, I didn't count. I turned and didn't look back, walked back to my doorway, and sighed.

All of that and I still can't hold my breath.

It's back to just me. No worrying about potential dates. All guitar lessons, artistic ambition, odd-wheeling, Internet surfing, writing, and sleeping. All me: comforting and not, my duality. Me.