The two sides of Mademoiselle Valentin?

"[S]he makes love to the duke.... [s]he swordfights the queen...." (Ah, Spoon!)


Yesterday I realized something profound about myself: I have P.M.S. and she’s a bitch.

Before, say, a year ago, I’d only had physical symptoms that were annoying, but largely trivial and didn’t require much gumption to ignore. But now, NOW, I’ve got this bitchy side and it’s really starting to piss me off.

You see, this alter-ego, this bitchy side, she’s NOT me but I can’t ignore her. She’s a mean one. Usually I just come across as moody, withdrawn on account that I don’t want to lash out at an innocent bystander. The last thing I want is to be outwardly mean, so it’s this all-out, unrestrained turmoil going on inside my head—between the sweet me and the bitchy one.

And as I was explaining this to my friend over the phone, she gained a voice.

Me: Man, I’m so moody today. It would be wise to avoid confrontation with others.

Bitchy me: Puta, I’ll cut joo! Don’t leave me all so-laaaa and sheet.
(Whore, I’ll cut you. Don’t leave me alone and shit.)

Me: But being mean and picking fights is just not me.

Bitchy me: Bajate su pinchi pedestal, ese. Joo better leesten to me or I’ll get my sancho on you.
(Get off your fucking pedestal, dude. You better listen or my man will get you.)

“Holy CRAP!” My friend delights in this, “Your alter-ego is a chola!”

For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it’s border slang for a female gang member. I’m not sure how far-reaching this term is or isn’t, but I know it’s not just an area colloquialism as others have knowledge of the chola/cholo and its correct usage.

He’s right. She’s 100% street-wise, eyeliner-to-the-temples, black-lipliner-and-pink-lipstick, and black-bra-under-white-wifebeater-wearing-chola.

I laugh. If you knew me, you’d laugh too. I’m practically see-through and strawberry blonde hair with freckles don’t exactly fit the persona either.

So anyways, I want to name her. She’s going to have one of those cheesy names like “Smiley” or “Smile now, cry later” or “Pitufa” (that’s Smurf in Spanish.) All of the cholas at my high school had ironic names like that.

I’m up for suggestions. Have at it!